World's deadliest
The Dangers of the Supermarket
Eric Braunegg
Issue date: 11/24/08 Section: Features
The potential dangers that lie in wait at an average local grocery store are few and far between. The dangers present are a nuisance at best, ranging from picking up bad produce and being forced to return it to forgetting that coupon you wanted to use on that canned goods special sale. The worst of them all would most likely be when you go shopping with a friend or family member and you must pick out the shopping cart, only to pick the cart that has one bad wheel, drifts to the left while steering, and is still wet from the previous night's rain. Of course, such trivial irritations would pale in comparison to the dangers that await casual shoppers at the world's deadliest grocery store.
The first danger a shopper would encounter is the produce section. The fruits and vegetables themselves don't pose much of a threat, if you ignore the near lethal dosage of pesticides that seem to be sprayed on crops nowadays. The water sprayers that keep the produce on the shelf cool and fresh are what should raise the most concern. Here the water sprayers do not spray water, but rather swarms of tiny fruit flies that would slowly devour all of the oranges and other produce that have any Vitamin C. Slowly but surely, the shopper would slowly succumb to the cold, clammy grip of scurvy. On the bright side, saying, "you've got the scurvy," can't help but cheer a person up since it sounds an awful lot like something a pirate say (YYAARR, who knew Disney could make three Pirates of the Caribbean movies all based off of one theme park ride?)
If a shopper manages to ward off the scurvy, the checkout lane would be the ultimate test of their shopper savvy. When a shopper enters the checkout lane, the aisle is packed full of candies and other goodies for little children. Of course, wishing to purchase or to even touch these delights is strictly taboo (Just think back to when you would go shopping with your parents and they would yell at you to put the candy back on the shelf. I will never forgive you Dad. Never...). If a shopper, or one of his/her companions, decides to touch one of the tasty treats, the shopper is blasted off the ground and thrown against the wall obviously the result of the concussion wave emitted by the graviton force field. As you have probably guessed, the liability insurance premiums this grocery store must pay are horrendous.
If the shopper were able to avoid the dangers of the checkout aisle, the last obstacle that the happy shopper would encounter is the cashier. If the shopper is still archaic enough to pay for the goods with cash (The cashier is not having a good day and doesn't want to deal with taking grimy dollar bills and waiting for incompetent shoppers to find those eight cents to make exact change), the shopper is attacked by the possessed shopping bag dispenser (no doubt possessed by the soul of a recently deceased disgruntled shopper) and the shopper would immediately suffocate and die. Probably should have asked for paper bags and not plastic.
The first danger a shopper would encounter is the produce section. The fruits and vegetables themselves don't pose much of a threat, if you ignore the near lethal dosage of pesticides that seem to be sprayed on crops nowadays. The water sprayers that keep the produce on the shelf cool and fresh are what should raise the most concern. Here the water sprayers do not spray water, but rather swarms of tiny fruit flies that would slowly devour all of the oranges and other produce that have any Vitamin C. Slowly but surely, the shopper would slowly succumb to the cold, clammy grip of scurvy. On the bright side, saying, "you've got the scurvy," can't help but cheer a person up since it sounds an awful lot like something a pirate say (YYAARR, who knew Disney could make three Pirates of the Caribbean movies all based off of one theme park ride?)
If a shopper manages to ward off the scurvy, the checkout lane would be the ultimate test of their shopper savvy. When a shopper enters the checkout lane, the aisle is packed full of candies and other goodies for little children. Of course, wishing to purchase or to even touch these delights is strictly taboo (Just think back to when you would go shopping with your parents and they would yell at you to put the candy back on the shelf. I will never forgive you Dad. Never...). If a shopper, or one of his/her companions, decides to touch one of the tasty treats, the shopper is blasted off the ground and thrown against the wall obviously the result of the concussion wave emitted by the graviton force field. As you have probably guessed, the liability insurance premiums this grocery store must pay are horrendous.
If the shopper were able to avoid the dangers of the checkout aisle, the last obstacle that the happy shopper would encounter is the cashier. If the shopper is still archaic enough to pay for the goods with cash (The cashier is not having a good day and doesn't want to deal with taking grimy dollar bills and waiting for incompetent shoppers to find those eight cents to make exact change), the shopper is attacked by the possessed shopping bag dispenser (no doubt possessed by the soul of a recently deceased disgruntled shopper) and the shopper would immediately suffocate and die. Probably should have asked for paper bags and not plastic.
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