Carcass found in tree
Jason Holloway
Issue date: 11/23/09 Section: Features
The quiet Tuesday morning calm was shattered by the gruesome discovery of a corded telephone carcass brutally abandoned in a tree outside of CAMP. Students were shocked to learn of the attack and have avoided the area where the remains were found. The tree is located along the fence separating the construction of the student center and CAMP. Early indications show that civilians will be avoiding the path for many weeks to come. Traffic along the fence has dropped nearly 90% from three weeks ago.
Officials from the Assault of Lagging Technologies of the Technology Abuse Bureau (ALT-TAB) have offered no possible suspects in the slaying. A former member of ALT-TAB agreed to speak to reporters on the condition of anonymity, "During my time at ALT-TAB we amassed a large file on terrorist groups that target electronics. This looks like the work of The New Technologists [TNT]." When asked about The New Technologists' possible involvement the TAB press liaison could not confirm or deny the speculation.
The New Technologists originate in the Silicon Valley during the dot-com bubble late last millennium. According to their website the group seeks to purge the nation of obsolete technology to make way for the perpetual electronic revolution. Flashing across the top of the homepage is the mantra "We will not stop until robot overlords deem us obsolete!" The group was founded by radical software engineers and computer scientists frustrated by the reckless attitude of venture capitalists. Weary of all of the VC money thrown at any half-baked idea to come from the Valley, the original members of TNT banded together. Over the past decade, TNT have escalated their attacks from scathing LiveJournal posts to stealing ancient cell phones and "forgetting" them in Canada to the physical dismemberment of electronics.
Another group may be responsible for Tuesday's attack, the Fundamentalist Movement of Luddites (FML) has been increasingly active in the North Country. The FML oppose all forms of technology developed later than 1900. Persistent internet outages that have plagued local colleges over the past the years have been attributed to the Luddites. Self-proclaimed liberators, members of FML actively embrace aesthetic lifestyles and routinely turn to the Amish for inspiration.
The Integrator recently talked to the Technology Terrorism liaison officer at ALT-TAB about the two groups' methodologies. Unfortunately the officer kept abruptly switching topics and no headway was made.
One thing is clear following Tuesday's attack, nothing that runs on electricity is safe.
This article is mostly fake. There was a phone hanging in a tree and foot traffic is down along that route. Everything else was made up. Except for the internet outages, those are real. OIT and our ISP may wish there was another group at fault for the outages; alas the FML and TNT are figments of my imagination.
Officials from the Assault of Lagging Technologies of the Technology Abuse Bureau (ALT-TAB) have offered no possible suspects in the slaying. A former member of ALT-TAB agreed to speak to reporters on the condition of anonymity, "During my time at ALT-TAB we amassed a large file on terrorist groups that target electronics. This looks like the work of The New Technologists [TNT]." When asked about The New Technologists' possible involvement the TAB press liaison could not confirm or deny the speculation.
The New Technologists originate in the Silicon Valley during the dot-com bubble late last millennium. According to their website the group seeks to purge the nation of obsolete technology to make way for the perpetual electronic revolution. Flashing across the top of the homepage is the mantra "We will not stop until robot overlords deem us obsolete!" The group was founded by radical software engineers and computer scientists frustrated by the reckless attitude of venture capitalists. Weary of all of the VC money thrown at any half-baked idea to come from the Valley, the original members of TNT banded together. Over the past decade, TNT have escalated their attacks from scathing LiveJournal posts to stealing ancient cell phones and "forgetting" them in Canada to the physical dismemberment of electronics.
Another group may be responsible for Tuesday's attack, the Fundamentalist Movement of Luddites (FML) has been increasingly active in the North Country. The FML oppose all forms of technology developed later than 1900. Persistent internet outages that have plagued local colleges over the past the years have been attributed to the Luddites. Self-proclaimed liberators, members of FML actively embrace aesthetic lifestyles and routinely turn to the Amish for inspiration.
The Integrator recently talked to the Technology Terrorism liaison officer at ALT-TAB about the two groups' methodologies. Unfortunately the officer kept abruptly switching topics and no headway was made.
One thing is clear following Tuesday's attack, nothing that runs on electricity is safe.
This article is mostly fake. There was a phone hanging in a tree and foot traffic is down along that route. Everything else was made up. Except for the internet outages, those are real. OIT and our ISP may wish there was another group at fault for the outages; alas the FML and TNT are figments of my imagination.
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